I so relate because clothing always tells a story to me. Sometimes I have to pull myself back and ask if I want the clothes or just the lifestyle I associate with them. I also already have the cashmere sweaters and matching underwear. They're lovely and I appreciate having them but they haven't transformed me into the effortlessly glamorous girl who never has to worry about money. (Which is why I am currently challenging myself with a no-buy)
Thank you for your honest words. It's good to hear from others how buying something you want doesn't stop us from feeling the negative emotions connected to our wants. If we finally splurge and buy the item, we will undoubtedly find a new one to crave.
I also find it incredibly strong of you to challenge yourself with a no-buy! I haven't been able to in January (confessions of a shopaholic...) but it's something I'm definitely going to try!
Honestly, I'm in love with the idea of being that confident glowing woman that travels every so often and is so glaringly successful and I think buying a cashmere sweater and getting chic sunglasses will get me to become her.
Sometimes I forget the essentials and go for what's recommended.
WOWEEE! I relate! I can’t believe how many of us feel this way. It’s gotten so bad for me in the last year that I decided to do a low buy year for 2025 to rewire my brain and my relationship to spending and specifically my relationship to clothes. If I am indeed wearing a cashmere sweater, I painfully NEED people to know it’s cashmere and $250 (even if it was a gift from my sister) - like my worth as a human is tied to it. I really related to the part where you say that this piece of clothing won’t make me feel better on this summer vacation etc. That’s how I view it now. If I look back on my past, in the grand scheme, my clothes or material possessions haven’t changed my life experience whatsoever. Also The Orange is one of my favorite poems :)
So proud of you for this goal! And I love how you say that material possessions aren't the experience. The best moments are lived and, sure, sometimes a piece of clothing captures a moment too, but it's never the main event per definition. I think sometimes our minds think in Instagram mode a bit too much
Honestly it’s so hard! When I open Pinterest I’m overloaded with outfits I want. I can’t do a capsule wardrobe but having key pieces in your wardrobe that will make you feel good when wearing them are essential! It also helps me to buy second hand only. If you google an item you want, it’s right there. But second hand limits me in buying because it’s harder to find a certain piece that is close to the aesthetic I am looking for, if that makes sense? Anyway, loved your piece 🩷
Pinterest is such an overload of inspiration sometimes!
I tend now to look specifically for outfits that I can recreate with what I already have, but sometimes the eye wanders to other pieces and so it starts again haha... But you're so right about key pieces, especially if they make you feel put together and they fall right on your body (Pinterest gives good ideas, but the fit matters sooo much).
for your first opinion piece I am simply in awe - I really loved how this was written, and I can definitely relate to so many elements you mentioned!! I would be lying if I wasn't still trying to perfect my own wardrobe to reflect a certain ideal, but over the years I've definitely let the pressure go (thank god)
Thank you, this means a lot! The trial of striving towards an ideal is one not easily overcome, but I love seeing that you can relate, and I love the Substack platform for letting us voice our thoughts. I meet so many amazing and inspiring people!
Thank you for this. So many things to think about and re-consider and pieces falling into place. Indulgence. Pleasure. Mind blown.
On a side note: I guess even she (the glamorous cashmere sweater matching underwear lady) gets cramps and sweats and not enough sleep and imposter syndrome and 'that bag will solve it all' cravings. :D
Humaning is multi facetted and hard and filled with a lot of and/also's.
And yes. Patching the odd pain and presumed lack with something pretty is sometimes only good for a moment. And then adds up to even more things we are responsible for.
Don't get me wrong - for ALL of the reasons I am on the path of a no buy 2025. To realign, to get creative with the PLENTY I have, to get bored and be bored and be OK with it. And esp to understand the mechanics of WHEN and WHY shopping feels sooooo tempting.
It's a good reminder that social media is just a facade, and you can't compare yourself to only one facet of someone else's life. I heard Jay Shetty say this amazing thing the other day. He said it's not bad to compare, but that when you do, compare every single thing. The one you compare yourself to might be on level 4 and you on 1 in terms of health, but they also started at 1, and you might be way ahead in other aspects of life. That really grounded me - we all have our hardships, but also our strengths.
Love the term "humaning" haha I am definitely keeping that one in my vocabulary.
Good luck with your "no buy". I can confirm I haven't quite stuck to it and treated myself to new clothes when I got a new job and wanted to "look the part" (still not sure if I can legitimise my purchases for those reasons or not) but balance is an art that can't be learned cold turkey
Your “woman with cashmere sweaters and matching underwear” to me is a mindset as much as a wardrobe, and not synonymous with wealth and consumptionism.
We are three generations away from women who were all that (as soon as they hit lower middle class, but poorer folks “made do” very well) - up to the 60s/70s one had sets, and very few of them.
So the “woman” is one with a deliberate and curated, well-look after selection of clothes which fit her. Theoretically we can all be that. However, as all good things it takes time, commitment and skill!
We have now an unprecedented access to information and vasts amount of second-hand clothing, and if all fails one can make things oneself (fab series from Katrina Ivanova on YT on making a set of silk undergarments). Add time and you can look however you want. 💪
Thank you Alex for your refreshing take, I appreciate comments like these! I think my main issue is that I worry so much about fitting into that idea of a curated, well-looked after "woman" that I spend so much time and effort into the idea of her that I forget that Ii already am her (if I just shift my mindset because, as you say, theoretically we can all be that)
I looked Katrina up on YouTube and I am obsessed, thank you for this tip! I feel like this will be a major project but my mum has an old sewing machine I could use, very exciting!
Thank you for your comment Raeshelle! I'm sure many of us struggle with this compulsive comparison syndrome, and this is somewhat comforting, which is why I love seeing all the comments on this post <3 We can ground each other and remind ourselves that we are doing a lot already by simply reflecting about these thoughts
This was SO relatable and necessary. I was just feeling like my Substack had become another cesspool of luxury shopping and unachievable beauty — this restored hope!
I was a poor student in the late 80s. My wanting for what I couldn’t afford (to try to be someone I was not) was seeded during that time. And I started my spiral into credit card debt. I wish I knew then that all I needed was a 3 pairs of jeans, 3 tshirts, 2 sweaters and one pair of sneakers. A capsule wardrobe was not part of our vocabulary back then. Now, I can think more logically about my purchases. But the nagging “wanting” hasn’t completely gone away. Even after all these years. I so love the poem about the orange!
Oh the debtsss. I am still paying off my student debt but can somehow afford to spend hundreds on clothes, it's absurd. I believe capsule wardrobes are now being capitalised on as well, so it makes sense that, even when we think we already have our basics, we can always purchase better ones.
I think there’s something to be said about finding a “personal style” or a buying ethic that suits us as a person. I have never been one to shop for clothing, as I’m very particular about what I want and like. I mostly wear 1930-1950’s fashion, so that might be part of it, but I find that a big reason why I don’t buy clothing is because I learned to make my own. I don’t think everyone needs to go that far, but understanding what makes a good quality piece that I wanted to wear and that I could not make (my criteria for buying clothes) is really what made me think about my purchases, and now I buy maybe a piece or two per year. Also , I don’t follow influencers who sell products in the way you mentioned. If we don’t give them that platform in our minds, then we can’t be influenced to make the purchase.
That being said, I am still extremely guilty for buying a ridiculous amount of fragrances, so maybe we all have our own vices.
I think your observation about influencers is spot on - out of sight, out of mind. I'm definitely trying. That way, clothing can stay a fun and personal expression. I recently asked a friend I met for advice on which boots she was wearing, because she was walking around in them all day, and I was reminded of how great it is to get honest and ol' fashioned in-person recommendations from peers living in the real world who have things to do and places to be.
Also, it's so great that making your own clothes made you more aware of what you're wearing. I get the same with cooking something from scratch instead of buying pre-made :)
Are you inside my brain? I've been participating in low-buy 2025 for the very reason that I need to fight this impulse and kill the stubborn materialism in me. I've been writing in my journal a lot about how I want to "rejoice in lack."
Like many other women in these comments already mentioned, it's very easy to believe, totally irrationally, that the luxury brands and pieces inevitably lead to the lifestyle associated with them. The influencer culture of today certainly hasn't made this any easier, but even as a teenager I experienced some element of this.
I would walk into an Abercrombie store and immediately feel as though I could theoretically walk into a 2000s teen drama and be right at home there. American Eagle made me feel like I was a California blonde (I'm not) and tan (I wasn't), or at least that I could be, if I bought the right products from their shelves.
This is what is so remarkable about marketing. For better or for worse, it plays on our insecurities and promises us something greater than ourselves.
You might be in mine? Because you hit a nostalgic note by capturing that teenage angst -I remember that same feeling of being Californian tan with long beach-blond hair and surfer body when I walked into Brandy Melville and believed I could somehow become her by buying clothes that were way too small for my body, willing myself to believe I was a one-size-fits-all (a concept I've now come to loathe with my whole being)
Thank you for your heartfelt comment, knowing people relate makes the process of buying less so much easier for me and a lot of other women in the comment section <3
Ugh, what a wonderful piece!! I can’t help but do this too, I often find myself projecting onto clothing/Pinterest. There always has to be “one more thing that will totally change my life” and keeping up with this is exhausting. There is beauty in simplicity.
Such a good piece of writing!! You’ve summed up the challenge of finding a balance between overconsumption and underconsumption perfectly! I’ve found the need to buy, buy, buy, lately so overwhelming and it’s super comforting to know that others feel this way too :)
I so relate because clothing always tells a story to me. Sometimes I have to pull myself back and ask if I want the clothes or just the lifestyle I associate with them. I also already have the cashmere sweaters and matching underwear. They're lovely and I appreciate having them but they haven't transformed me into the effortlessly glamorous girl who never has to worry about money. (Which is why I am currently challenging myself with a no-buy)
Thank you for your honest words. It's good to hear from others how buying something you want doesn't stop us from feeling the negative emotions connected to our wants. If we finally splurge and buy the item, we will undoubtedly find a new one to crave.
I also find it incredibly strong of you to challenge yourself with a no-buy! I haven't been able to in January (confessions of a shopaholic...) but it's something I'm definitely going to try!
Honestly, I'm in love with the idea of being that confident glowing woman that travels every so often and is so glaringly successful and I think buying a cashmere sweater and getting chic sunglasses will get me to become her.
Sometimes I forget the essentials and go for what's recommended.
I'm in love with her too, but I am reminding myself I already am her.
I don't want my essay to discredit purchasing because if a piece of clothing gives you joy, then I say splurge if you can and live in it and with it
Honestly, getting off IG and even Pinterest helps so much
WOWEEE! I relate! I can’t believe how many of us feel this way. It’s gotten so bad for me in the last year that I decided to do a low buy year for 2025 to rewire my brain and my relationship to spending and specifically my relationship to clothes. If I am indeed wearing a cashmere sweater, I painfully NEED people to know it’s cashmere and $250 (even if it was a gift from my sister) - like my worth as a human is tied to it. I really related to the part where you say that this piece of clothing won’t make me feel better on this summer vacation etc. That’s how I view it now. If I look back on my past, in the grand scheme, my clothes or material possessions haven’t changed my life experience whatsoever. Also The Orange is one of my favorite poems :)
So proud of you for this goal! And I love how you say that material possessions aren't the experience. The best moments are lived and, sure, sometimes a piece of clothing captures a moment too, but it's never the main event per definition. I think sometimes our minds think in Instagram mode a bit too much
Honestly it’s so hard! When I open Pinterest I’m overloaded with outfits I want. I can’t do a capsule wardrobe but having key pieces in your wardrobe that will make you feel good when wearing them are essential! It also helps me to buy second hand only. If you google an item you want, it’s right there. But second hand limits me in buying because it’s harder to find a certain piece that is close to the aesthetic I am looking for, if that makes sense? Anyway, loved your piece 🩷
Pinterest is such an overload of inspiration sometimes!
I tend now to look specifically for outfits that I can recreate with what I already have, but sometimes the eye wanders to other pieces and so it starts again haha... But you're so right about key pieces, especially if they make you feel put together and they fall right on your body (Pinterest gives good ideas, but the fit matters sooo much).
And yes to second hand!
for your first opinion piece I am simply in awe - I really loved how this was written, and I can definitely relate to so many elements you mentioned!! I would be lying if I wasn't still trying to perfect my own wardrobe to reflect a certain ideal, but over the years I've definitely let the pressure go (thank god)
Thank you, this means a lot! The trial of striving towards an ideal is one not easily overcome, but I love seeing that you can relate, and I love the Substack platform for letting us voice our thoughts. I meet so many amazing and inspiring people!
I totally agree!! I feel like it’s one of the platform where we actually connect with strangers which is really nice
Thank you for this. So many things to think about and re-consider and pieces falling into place. Indulgence. Pleasure. Mind blown.
On a side note: I guess even she (the glamorous cashmere sweater matching underwear lady) gets cramps and sweats and not enough sleep and imposter syndrome and 'that bag will solve it all' cravings. :D
Humaning is multi facetted and hard and filled with a lot of and/also's.
And yes. Patching the odd pain and presumed lack with something pretty is sometimes only good for a moment. And then adds up to even more things we are responsible for.
Don't get me wrong - for ALL of the reasons I am on the path of a no buy 2025. To realign, to get creative with the PLENTY I have, to get bored and be bored and be OK with it. And esp to understand the mechanics of WHEN and WHY shopping feels sooooo tempting.
So thank you again for this. So much!
Thank you for your comment Christine <3
It's a good reminder that social media is just a facade, and you can't compare yourself to only one facet of someone else's life. I heard Jay Shetty say this amazing thing the other day. He said it's not bad to compare, but that when you do, compare every single thing. The one you compare yourself to might be on level 4 and you on 1 in terms of health, but they also started at 1, and you might be way ahead in other aspects of life. That really grounded me - we all have our hardships, but also our strengths.
Love the term "humaning" haha I am definitely keeping that one in my vocabulary.
Good luck with your "no buy". I can confirm I haven't quite stuck to it and treated myself to new clothes when I got a new job and wanted to "look the part" (still not sure if I can legitimise my purchases for those reasons or not) but balance is an art that can't be learned cold turkey
Your “woman with cashmere sweaters and matching underwear” to me is a mindset as much as a wardrobe, and not synonymous with wealth and consumptionism.
We are three generations away from women who were all that (as soon as they hit lower middle class, but poorer folks “made do” very well) - up to the 60s/70s one had sets, and very few of them.
So the “woman” is one with a deliberate and curated, well-look after selection of clothes which fit her. Theoretically we can all be that. However, as all good things it takes time, commitment and skill!
We have now an unprecedented access to information and vasts amount of second-hand clothing, and if all fails one can make things oneself (fab series from Katrina Ivanova on YT on making a set of silk undergarments). Add time and you can look however you want. 💪
Thank you Alex for your refreshing take, I appreciate comments like these! I think my main issue is that I worry so much about fitting into that idea of a curated, well-looked after "woman" that I spend so much time and effort into the idea of her that I forget that Ii already am her (if I just shift my mindset because, as you say, theoretically we can all be that)
I looked Katrina up on YouTube and I am obsessed, thank you for this tip! I feel like this will be a major project but my mum has an old sewing machine I could use, very exciting!
oh this hit home so deep — i am so in awe of the women who seem to have this figured out. those who that are not consumed by beauty like me.
i find myself in this same place. wanting to want less, and yet, couldn’t that be said to be the same thing just from the other side?
Thank you for your comment Raeshelle! I'm sure many of us struggle with this compulsive comparison syndrome, and this is somewhat comforting, which is why I love seeing all the comments on this post <3 We can ground each other and remind ourselves that we are doing a lot already by simply reflecting about these thoughts
This was SO relatable and necessary. I was just feeling like my Substack had become another cesspool of luxury shopping and unachievable beauty — this restored hope!
Thank you 🫶🏼
I'm so glad my post stood out as hopeful amidst all the increasing influencing on here. Thank you for reading <3
I was a poor student in the late 80s. My wanting for what I couldn’t afford (to try to be someone I was not) was seeded during that time. And I started my spiral into credit card debt. I wish I knew then that all I needed was a 3 pairs of jeans, 3 tshirts, 2 sweaters and one pair of sneakers. A capsule wardrobe was not part of our vocabulary back then. Now, I can think more logically about my purchases. But the nagging “wanting” hasn’t completely gone away. Even after all these years. I so love the poem about the orange!
Oh the debtsss. I am still paying off my student debt but can somehow afford to spend hundreds on clothes, it's absurd. I believe capsule wardrobes are now being capitalised on as well, so it makes sense that, even when we think we already have our basics, we can always purchase better ones.
Thank you for sharing your voice <3
I think there’s something to be said about finding a “personal style” or a buying ethic that suits us as a person. I have never been one to shop for clothing, as I’m very particular about what I want and like. I mostly wear 1930-1950’s fashion, so that might be part of it, but I find that a big reason why I don’t buy clothing is because I learned to make my own. I don’t think everyone needs to go that far, but understanding what makes a good quality piece that I wanted to wear and that I could not make (my criteria for buying clothes) is really what made me think about my purchases, and now I buy maybe a piece or two per year. Also , I don’t follow influencers who sell products in the way you mentioned. If we don’t give them that platform in our minds, then we can’t be influenced to make the purchase.
That being said, I am still extremely guilty for buying a ridiculous amount of fragrances, so maybe we all have our own vices.
Thank you for your enlightening comment Bita!
I think your observation about influencers is spot on - out of sight, out of mind. I'm definitely trying. That way, clothing can stay a fun and personal expression. I recently asked a friend I met for advice on which boots she was wearing, because she was walking around in them all day, and I was reminded of how great it is to get honest and ol' fashioned in-person recommendations from peers living in the real world who have things to do and places to be.
Also, it's so great that making your own clothes made you more aware of what you're wearing. I get the same with cooking something from scratch instead of buying pre-made :)
Are you inside my brain? I've been participating in low-buy 2025 for the very reason that I need to fight this impulse and kill the stubborn materialism in me. I've been writing in my journal a lot about how I want to "rejoice in lack."
Like many other women in these comments already mentioned, it's very easy to believe, totally irrationally, that the luxury brands and pieces inevitably lead to the lifestyle associated with them. The influencer culture of today certainly hasn't made this any easier, but even as a teenager I experienced some element of this.
I would walk into an Abercrombie store and immediately feel as though I could theoretically walk into a 2000s teen drama and be right at home there. American Eagle made me feel like I was a California blonde (I'm not) and tan (I wasn't), or at least that I could be, if I bought the right products from their shelves.
This is what is so remarkable about marketing. For better or for worse, it plays on our insecurities and promises us something greater than ourselves.
You might be in mine? Because you hit a nostalgic note by capturing that teenage angst -I remember that same feeling of being Californian tan with long beach-blond hair and surfer body when I walked into Brandy Melville and believed I could somehow become her by buying clothes that were way too small for my body, willing myself to believe I was a one-size-fits-all (a concept I've now come to loathe with my whole being)
Thank you for your heartfelt comment, knowing people relate makes the process of buying less so much easier for me and a lot of other women in the comment section <3
Ugh, what a wonderful piece!! I can’t help but do this too, I often find myself projecting onto clothing/Pinterest. There always has to be “one more thing that will totally change my life” and keeping up with this is exhausting. There is beauty in simplicity.
Ahhh the love/hate relationship I have with Pinterest!
Simplicity can be more satiating than any material possession, and you already have it if you choose to see it <3
Such a good piece of writing!! You’ve summed up the challenge of finding a balance between overconsumption and underconsumption perfectly! I’ve found the need to buy, buy, buy, lately so overwhelming and it’s super comforting to know that others feel this way too :)
Thank you for your kind words <3 It's a lovely comfort to see so many people relate to this experience indeed
Such a real post
Thank you <3